I’m Packin’ Heat and Boat Shoes…

There are many rap parodies out there, but this is by far one of the better ones I’ve come across, by one Remy on the topic of his new home in “a straight up thug town called Arlington.” Is this the Battle Hymn of the Creative Class?

Just moved to a new hood
and it’s straight up gangsta
Let me show you around…
my town

People all around
better know the deal
that the people in this town
are ghetto for real

So when people tell me
Remy, where you calling from?
I say a straight up thug town
called Arlington

It’s a real tough town
packing heat and boat shoes
my crib’s in a rough spot
right next to the Whole Foods

I’m ducking gunfire daily
check to see if one got me
but that’s just life in the hood
when I go get my puffed kashi

But we never do drugs
no, cuz that’s not me
the only thing high up in here
are my condo fees

Welcome to Arlington
the town that never fizzles
Ballston, Rosslyn, Courthouse
the Clizzledizzle

So many places to choose
you’re gonna like to pick
I’m in Courthouse so much that
they call me Michael Vick

And Rosslyn girls got money
they all can pay the bills
but that’s all I’ll film in Rosslyn
cuz I hate walking up these hills

and we kinda got a mall
yeah you know you can’t stop us
got everything but nothing good, man
it’s kinda like tapas

Just try to mess with us
I’ll shoot you right in the foot punk
Just don’t come on Tuesday nights
that’s when I meet with my book club

Okay, I don’t really read
when I buy books it’s kinda causal
“Ah, you read Salinger?”
Nah, my kitchen table wobbles

Ducking down instictively
in gunshots we’re mired
Wait nevermind, somebody’s
German luxury car just backfired

Think you’re leaving alive
yeah you do but I don’t buy it
I’ll gonna eliminate you
like I did gluten from my diet

Come and see me in an alley
Run’ll be what you’re wishing
Bustin out my fightin moves
like the fetal position

But first I need some cover
y’all gotta help me this way
Cover? You need backup?
Nah punk, it’s for my duvet!

Straight thug hood
getting mugged on the go go
but muggings here is when
a stranger comes and gives you cocoa

Got a lot of bad girls
Got a lot of tough dudes
Our school of hard knocks
was written up in US News

We got dudes in brown flip flops
and dudes in brown flip flops
holy crap, why are all these dudes
wearing brown flip flops??

Welcome to A-town…

5pm hit the gym
even if I’m feelin crappy
But first I walk my tiny dog
with a little plastic baggy

Stretch in front of folks around me
so they know that I’m invested
and press the button for the lobby
even if somebody pressed it

I go jogging
At a reasonable pace
and when I get to intersections man
I jog in place

Up in Gold’s Gym
gonna give it my all, son
So many dudes here
they should call this Ballston

Rollin one deep
so everybody can see us
Cruising down Wilson
all up in my Prius

Get out the car
check my shoe and sock a minute
Stand right back up
I got seven parking tickets

In DC from the get go
head to the metro
You heading to Whitlow’s?
Hmm, maybe, I guess so…

Ride’s never boring

I say it’s never better than
Riding on an orange line
train to Vienna

You better step back punk
that’s your final warning?
You gonna punch me?
Nah, son, the doors are closing!

What’s with this delay?
I can’t wait for this
Why’d they pick today
to do this track maintenance?

Now we’re stuck in the city
how we getting back son?
We could take the green line…

So we’re taking a taxi
Back to our gangsta world
Where the sidewalks brick
and the streets are curbed

So if you think you got the cred
and you think your toughness got me
come and see me in my town
and we’ll grab a cup of coffee

At the Starbucks, or the Starbucks…
[Repeat ad nauseum.]

More info here. Via Jeremiah’s Vanishing New York.


2 thoughts on “I’m Packin’ Heat and Boat Shoes…

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